Day 2 of Exposure Therapy

Today, Saturday started off quite uneventfully. Slept around 1a.m and woke up around 6a.m. This wasn’t bad as there are times I sleep 3.30am and wake up 6.00 a.m. I suffer from insomnia. Too much thinking. Perhaps my insomnia is gradually going after 2 months of therapy. This are still early days.

It would have been ideal to have started my exposure therapy early by walking down the long street. I however developed cold feet and did not commence until around 6 p.m in the evening! Talk of fear!

Before I commenced, around 4pm, I stepped out of my house which itself was a stressful experience. I just had to be bold. I had to go and buy coffee for the purpose of heightening my anxiety.

So around 6 pm, after taking the coffee, I built up the courage and left the house for the walk down the street. For the first 50 meters, I was quite tense. A neighbor who sells and fixes car batteries beckoned to me that he needed some small change. I told him I would oblige him on my way back.

I continued further down and when I had gone about 40% of the way, I was beckoned by another friend. We went to same university but studied separate courses. He was there supervising a building project he was in charge of. He had read building construction in the university.

He was sitting in an auto rickshaw with someone. He introduced that person as his son who I always enquired about. The boy was around 15 years. He had told me in the past that a lady had a child for him.  I greeted the boy a bit too quickly but friendly enough and turned to my friend. Had a little chitchat and then continued towards the end of the street.

As I proceeded further, I noticed I was a bit more self-conscious than normal but I could handle it. The further I went, the less anxious I felt until I reached the end of the street.

Once I reached the end, I checked my body and found out I had no money on me. Went to the ATM and withdrew the smallest amount permissible.

I decided to stroll down the long street back home. As I was going, I decided to buy a bottle of coke for my friend’s son and hand it to him in the event I encounter them again on my way back.

Funny, I approached a shop to buy it and initially I was calm but with time I started suffering a small panic attack and I began to freeze. My biggest prayer then was that I hoped the woman wouldn’t notice. This just worsened matters as it made me tense the more. I was eventually able to get out of there.

This is like an eye opener. I must stop worrying about whether the woman sees my panic or not. It’s really that fear that even created the unnecessary panic episode anyway. The self-conscious is really an excessively irrational fear of being judged or condemned. With time, I will loosen the hold people’s validation has on me. Hurrah!

I left the woman’s shop and as I proceed further, a long term buddy of mine called me and said he was at my place. I informed him I was out for my exposure therapy. I told him I was coming home but he said he would come meet me where I was.

I said no problem that he should rather come to the bus stop where we are sure not to miss each other. My friend however took a good 20 minutes or so walking leisurely. I was not too pleased as he had just ruined my therapeutic exposure and was totally unfazed.

One thing I noticed at the bus stop was that I was rather calm and composed. I was delighted at this.

My friend arrived and we started chatting. Told me he too went to the psychologist today. Today was his first appointment. His senior sister learnt he was depressed and she was worried he wasn’t suicidal. Paid for the entire treatment. She also took him to a homeopath. Was happy for him. Wish I had someone who would pay for me.

After a while of being with my friend at the bus stop, I started becoming self conscious and tense. Just wanted to leave. I was becoming tense because there was a certain lady, who was looking towards my direction and this made me self-conscious. The anxiety I suspect was sparked off subconsciously by the bullying which has made me unnecessarily fearful in situations like that. I think I would be harassed verbally. The bullying has made me see the average innocent person the way I view them: as cold, and heartless.

Truth is bullies are daft and useless and one would not waste ones time and tears on them. Really useless set of individuals are what bullies are.

I said good bye to my friend after he got an auto rickshaw and I departed to complete the long walk back that street. It was getting rather dark now so I wasn’t as self-conscious as I should be. I wasn’t too happy about this as I wanted to face my fear squarely. I realized I was rather tense and not looking forward to passing the woman I bought the coke from. I have become extremely self-conscious about her presence but I am determined to lose it. I don’t like anything that draws attention to myself. I find this a bit embarrassing and distressing. I, however will not give up and come out for my walk or stroll tomorrow.

I notice I am rather shy round ladies and I am determined to conquer this.

I successfully walked down the rest of the street without hassles till I got home around 7.05pm. Hurrah! I also gave the battery guy some small change.

My next stop was Ikeja mall. I left home around 8.00 pm and got to the mall about 10 minutes later.

I first encountered a sales girl selling art works and I enquired about 2 paintings that caught my fancy. She told me the prices and I walked further on.

I then went into Shoprite supermarket which is the anchor tenant for the shopping mall. I could have sworn I heard a rotten word towards from one of the sales boy in Shoprite as I walked in. This could be a figment of my imagination however. Note that the shopping mall employs many people from my neighborhood hence may also be true.

Walked round a bit and wanted to buy a chocolate but couldn’t honestly afford it. I then left the supermarket and headed to the food section of the mall. I found most restaurants intimidating as they were too exposed. I again went into KFC and sat where I did before. I think this is my comfort zone.

My psychologist warned me about comfort zones. He said they are not good. I will take cognizance of this and find a more intimidating location. Spooky!

I spent about 10 minutes there basically staring at my phone. As I write, my stomach is tightening. The experience must really have worked me up. I however have no choice if I want to get better. Next time, I’ll sit for 15 minutes.

I then left KFC and a bit nervous of course. I am determined this nervousness leaves me. I first thought of exiting the building but changed my mind. I still needed to find a girl to talk to for about 5 minutes. I thereby went back in. I searched for an opportunity to chat up someone but found. I hope you know I am saying the truth. I know you don’t believe me that I couldn’t find a lady in a shopping mall with hundreds of girls. Well, I will prepare a better strategy tomorrow.

Well, that’s my story for today. Keep you posted tomorrow.

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