I did my long walk rather early today. I was to go into town to do a few things and I decided to use that opportunity to do the walk and from there take a bus.
The walk was cool even though towards the end of the walk I started to feel a bit anxious. It was actually a hospital along the route that made me self conscious as I felt the other day, someone had been watching me from the balcony. Me and my self-conscious paranoia.
On my way back, I deliberately chose to take that route back home so I walked it twice. Perhaps I should do it as many as four times a day but that may be too much. I need to mix the walk with much socialising.
I left for the psychologist appointment around 3:30pm. Traffic snarls can be a nightmare in downtown Lagos during closing hours from 5pm.
Anyway, another reason why I chose to move early was so as to do my daily exposure at Shoprite. I got to Shoprite and chose to buy a cream cake. Unfortunately for me, the queue was not only long at the bakery stand, there was no opne to attend to me which I found irritating. Don't they know how important I am?
I left Shoprite and met a Christian friend in the mall who mwas quite pleased to see me. He is around half my age but spiritually minded. I told him I was undergoing some problems and I was receiving treatment for it and that once I am okay, I'll be back in the congregation. He said he was looking forward to having me around.
I noticed throughout today, I have been quite tense and with poor self esteem. I know it's the bullying. I feel I am on edge. Also, I took amino acid and magnesium which I was told are effective against anxiety. I felt marginally better but the meds gave me a serious headache. They are not for me!
Met with my psychologist for 6pm. Today was our last session for the 12 weeks foundation treatment. Henceforth, I'll be seeing him once a month.
I told him there has been improvements but my primary problem is the lingering effect of the bullying. That is has taken a big toll on me especially my self esteem.
He instructed me to list 10 things I value about myself and I stopped at five. He now added three more on my behalf like I was a good commuicator, a good command of English and I have a urge for knowledge.
He said that the n umber I write is indicative of one's level of self esteem. That some may not write more than three. That the five I wrote showed I was just about average. That if he was to be given the same assignment, he could write as many as 25!
He said that at the last session, we dwelt on meditation, affirmation and questioning. He said I must apply all three ammos in collapsing the negative beliefs that are in my subconsiousness.
This I plan to do, and do it raised to the power 10. I also need to pray more and draw close to God. As a Jehovah's Witness, this is non-negotiable and have been negligent in that for 6 months now ever since the bullying made me so discouraged and paranoid that I stopped attending Christain meetings. I am going back and that's sacrosanct.
I left the psychologist pretty early today and even got home before 9pm.
Almost from his office, I started applying questioning. I need to totally undo all the effects of the bullying as soon as possible.
I did not go to KFC today as always. I thought I would be able to make it but was unsuccessful. Anyway, tomorrow's another day. See you guys.
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