Day 21 of My Exposure Therapy

Today is the 21st day of my exposure therapy.

What are the benefits and what have I gained.

I will update later today. Note: Not feeling good now!

Well, went for my walk, went to Shoprite and KFC.

Well, I feel more relaxed at Shoprite which means the exposure therapy has made me more socially confident. I also notice I am able to express myself naturally around people.

My biggest problem however is the bullying. It's really affecting me and I am fuelling it by replying these bullies. The hurtful words they hurl at me pains me greatly and it has to stop.

My psychologist said that what counts is not what people do to me but how I respond to it. I have to learn to ignore them.

The rational thing is to pound some sense into them. I can't do that because I am a Christian, a Jehovah's Witness. I mustn't even insult them back. I must show restraint under evil the bible commands.

My real challenge now is not so much my social anxiety but the paranoia I developed because of the bullying. I am going to overcome it!

Day 20 of Exposure Therapy

I'm late again and did not report my activities of yesterday.

The only thing I did not do was my long walk. Did not have the opportunity to do it.

Went to Shoprite and KFC.

Day 19 of My Exposure Therapy

I did my long walk rather early today. I was to go into town to do a few things and I decided to use that opportunity to do the walk and from there take a bus.

The walk was cool even though towards the end of the walk I started to feel a bit anxious. It was actually a hospital along the route that made me self conscious as I felt the other day, someone had been watching me from the balcony. Me and my self-conscious paranoia.

On my way back, I deliberately chose to take that route back home so I walked it twice. Perhaps I should do it as many as four times a day but that may be too much. I need to mix the walk with much socialising.

I left for the psychologist appointment around 3:30pm. Traffic snarls can be a nightmare in downtown Lagos during closing hours from 5pm.

Anyway, another reason why I chose to move early was so as to do my daily exposure at Shoprite. I got to Shoprite and chose to buy a cream cake. Unfortunately for me, the queue was not only long at the bakery stand, there was no opne to attend to me which I found irritating. Don't they know how important I am?

I left Shoprite and met a Christian friend in the mall who mwas quite pleased to see me. He is around half my age but spiritually minded. I told him I was undergoing some problems and I was receiving treatment for it and that once I am okay, I'll be back in the congregation. He said he was looking forward to having me around.

I noticed throughout today, I have been quite tense and with poor self esteem. I know it's the bullying. I feel I am on edge. Also, I took amino acid and magnesium which I was told are effective against anxiety. I felt marginally better but the meds gave me a serious headache. They are not for me!

Met with my psychologist for 6pm. Today was our last session for the 12 weeks foundation treatment. Henceforth, I'll be seeing him once a month.

I told him there has been improvements but my primary problem is the lingering effect of the bullying. That is has taken a big toll on me especially my self esteem.

He instructed me to list 10 things I value about myself and I stopped at five. He now added three more on my behalf like I was a good commuicator, a good command of English and I have a urge for knowledge.

He said that the n umber I write is indicative of one's level of self esteem. That some may not write more than three. That the five I wrote showed I was just about average. That if he was to be given the same assignment, he could write as many as 25!

He said that at the last session, we dwelt on meditation, affirmation and questioning. He said I must apply all three ammos in collapsing the negative beliefs that are in my subconsiousness.

This I plan to do, and do it raised to the power 10. I also need to pray more and draw close to God. As a Jehovah's Witness, this is non-negotiable and have been negligent in that for 6 months now ever since the bullying made me so discouraged and paranoid that I stopped attending Christain meetings. I am going back and that's sacrosanct.

I left the psychologist pretty early today and even got home before 9pm.

Almost from his office, I started applying questioning. I need to totally undo all the effects of the bullying as soon as possible.

I did not go to KFC today as always. I thought I would be able to make it but was unsuccessful. Anyway, tomorrow's another day. See you guys.

Day 18 of My Exposure Therapy

Could barely sleep during the night. Was eagerly expecting my brother who stayed in England to land in Lagos for 5:30 am. I probably slept for about an hour.

We hired a cab who took us to the airposrt. We got there around 7am because the cab came late. Hugged my brother and tried changing some pound sterling to naira with the money changer but had to forgo when it dawned on us they were trying to dupe us.

My brother first came home to pee and from there set out for my hometown which is about 3 hours 30 minutes away if the road is free.

I noticed I was quite anxious initially and even had eye contact problems which I felt both ashamed and embarrassed about. I was however determined to fight it.

I sat at the back with him  throughout the journey so I could overcome my anxieties. This seemed to work as by the time we got to my hometown, I was quite relaxed.

We greeted our parents. My stepmum was busy preparing food for us but she was also around to welcome us.

I am from a polygamous home. My dad has three wives and my mum's the first. My father initially had no intention of being polygamous but his mistresses became pregnant for him, he chose to marry them rather than seek an abortion.

I noticed I was a bit relaxed but also noticed I was also hypervigilant which I think was residual effect of the bullying. Anyway, I'm sure I am making progress.

We left my hometown around 4pm and got to Lagos around 8:45.

Of course, I had to cancel my exposure therapies for the day. Anyway, the trip and trying to mingle freely with people partially compensated.

Tomorrow is my psychologist's apppointment. I have already informed him I'll be around. Will keep you guys posted. Have a great day!

Day 17 of Exposure Therapy

Its still early in the day so just warming up.

Day 16 of My Exposure Therapy

I notice something remarkable today. It's as though I am gradually beginning not to dread going back to places I suffered a panic attack. This is a milestone.

For anyone with an anxiety disorder, this is the primary reason for avoidance. Avoidance and anxiety can not be divorced.

I saw a neighbour today outside who practices estate agency on the side and he introduced a 2 bedroom flat to me to market.

What I found intriguing was that I was quite confident talking to him even though I was outside. I am getting better and better. I must not give up.

I went for the long walk.around 6pm. I met a friend and an estate colleague in the early part of the walk. I am getting better talking in public even though the recent harassment has put me on edge. I am still a bit self conscious

I walked down the street and I walked back to my home  which I found a bit stressful. By the time I got home, I felt there was almost no need going for to the mall and KFC..

However, I had a short nap of about 10 minutes and this refreshed me. I immediately got up and went to the mall. I first went to a telecoms company to get my line back. I observed there were loads of people waiting. I was told by the security guard that there were even people seated outside waiting for their turn. I thought I could be patient but felt it's best I come back the next day.

Left the shop and head straight for Shoprite. Decided today to buy something which were noodles. Spent about 10 minutes there at Shoprite.

From there, went to KFC which was almost empty. I initially sat down backing the diners but later took a seat facing people. I noticed I wasn't so self-conscious. I had my head down all the time looking at my phone. I need to raise my head up and explore the surroundings. Anyway, I have improved massively from where I started from.

Left Shoprite and headed home where I prepared some sumptuous noodles and ate it with 2 boiled eggs.

Day 15 of My Exposure Therapy

I have to apologies that I have not been updating as frequently as I should. I have missed about 2 days now. Well, better late than never. I believe all will benefit from my updates.

I will post for Day 15 now.

Today, the neighborhood guy and went drinking with nicked my tablet. I was livid and called the cops to pick him. He denied it but I know he is the only one capable of doing such. The stress of getting my line back and the money for a new phone are too much for me now. Anyway, I've emptied my bare bank account in order to get any phone that does whatsapp no matter how cheap.

A close friend came around 10:30 and we went to the mall together. We went to Shoprite where he got a few things for himself and bought me a cake. I enjoyed the cake.

I saw him off taking the long route of my exposure therapy. My therapy for the day is three quarters done.

I am being bullied unrelentingly and it has put me on edge. It is sabotaging my treatment. It's just cruel, crude and annoying. They are just a bunch of useless people that are best ignored. Stigmatizing me won't make you a dime. It just shows how worthless your life is. I have to rise above them.

Only problem is that stigmatising is humiliating and it makes me want to crawl in to the ground. I feel all eyes are on me and makes me self conscious. Also, words are powerful and can mould a person's perception of his or herself.

One thing I must do to counter it is to put myself out there more. Rather than become reclusive, I must put myself out there more to counteract an y negative thinking that may develop.

Also, I don't think the treatment is working relating to the aspect of trauma. I need to remove the trauma caused by the bullying over the years from my system. That's the primary reason I started the treatment.

I have to be honest, there might have been some improvements but it's not as deep as I want. I will have to be brutally frank with him the next time we meet.

Also. I notice a stress on theright side of my head. I know it represents something. I know it's psychosomatic. If it goes, I believe the trauma will go.

Anyway, my arresting the thief and taking him to the police station completed the exposure therapy today. No need going to KFC.

I was quite nervous at the station but I notice my eye contact problem might be easing gradually but I should be patient. It's the bullying that puts me on edge.

I noticed little improvements in some areas. I am more confident around people but tend to be my own worst critic always assessing myself based on the stigmatising words hurled at me.

Day 14 of My Exposure Therapy

Today was eventful for a reason.

Had a very horrible sleep despite taking Nytol, a sleeping supplement. I doubt I slept more than 2 hours in total. It was that bad. I was on edge during the day.

Went for a property inspection far from my place. Noticed I was on edge most times but also noticed an improved level of confidence sometimes. I won't give up

The client came late and was not too impressed by the location because of the waterlogged nature of the area. I left him around 1pm and headed home.

Before getting home, I decided to stroll into a KFC as part of my exposure therapy. I sat very close to the window on a 2 seater table. Can't remember greeting the fellow in front of me but I probably did. Later asked if he had a pen and he said no.

He then left and a pretty lady now took his spot. She asked if I won't mind and I said no. I was initially uncomfortable but I relaxed eventually. I focused on my phone and looking outside. I asked if she had a pen and she said no. Why don't people go round with their pens.

She asked me if she could use my phone that she had no phone credit. I wanted to ask her to give me her number than I'll send her some phone credits through mobile banking. A call came in, most likely from her beau (who I believed she wanted to call) and she described to the caller how to locate the KFC restaurant. While talking, she sighted her beau on the other side of the road and I think she said goodbye as she stood up and left.

For some reason I felt good about myself. For long, I have suffered from negative self image because of the bullying. Her asking me for help went a long way in alleviating some of that negative perception. I am determined that all such negative self talk and image disappears totally.

I went home from there and within the hour, I was fast asleep. The time was just around 3pm and I didn't wake up till 9pm. I wonder whether I was making up from the poor sleep I had or if it was the experience with the lady that brought about the well deserved nap.

Anyway, I'm awake now typing away.

I did not go to Shoprite today. I felt my encounter with the lady was enough therapy. I am going to go further. with my exposure therapy.

Day 13 of My Exposure Therapy

Today, I went around 6:30pm for my long walk. It was without any incident. The most I did was to great an old time acquaintance quite confidently. Was a bit self conscious but I passed.

I also met someone living on my street and I was a bit confident even though I was on the street. I am becoming less self conscious and more self confident.

After the long walk, I took a walk to Allen Avenue, a popular commercial street in Ikeja, which happens to be the capital of Lagos. Went to a pharmacy along the street and bought Nytol, a natural sleeping herbal supplement.

From there, took a very long walk to the shopping mall and went to straight to MTN's shop, the mobile telephony giant to compalin about my line. They took a bit too long to attend to me and I was very uncomfortable. I found it very difficult to lift my head. This my eye contact problem. But again, I sense it's not an eye contact issue. I think the lady attendants noticed and were irritated. I have accepted this is the price I have to pay to get better and I am ready to pay it again and again.

After finishing there, I went to an open eatery where I satand got up after like 3 minutes when I started getting self conscious. The problem I have is that the bullying has affected me negatively making me see the typical person in the light of the bully. Like someone who may look down at me and think mean or say mean things to me.

As I write this, I am saying to myself, this isn't true. I must now learn to differentiate the two and put them apart.

I must also put this bullying issue behind me and the supressed anger within me.

From there, I left for Shoprite supermarket where I sauntered across for like 10 minutes. Today, I was not in the best of moods but I noticed some positive developments that I was more confident in a few moments. This I am grateful for.

I now departed Shoprite and entered a phone shop where there are usually lots of girls. Unfortunately, they were closing and there were not much lafies there so my purpose of being there was defeated..

I left the shop and went home.

Day 12 of My Exposure Therapy

I forgot to update yesterday. I'm sorry.

Well, yesterday was my appointment with my psychologist for 6pm.

The day was rather uneventful only that I went for my long walk rather early. I went for the longt walk through the crowded street around 2.20pm because I wanted to make some payment at an ATM.

The long walk was rather okay. I met a estate agent who also happened to be a friend along the street and we got chatting about a certain lady client of mine who wanted to rent property. I told him I'd link him with the client.

What I found momentarily interesting was that even though we were out on the street and in public, I was not too self conscious. Actually, for about a minute or so, I was totally self confident and only focused on the person I was talking to. With time, that 1 minute will improve to 10 minutes and eventually to 24 hours! I can't wait!

Once, I finished the walk, went to the ATM where I got frustrated because the network wasn't functioning well and I forgot my card inside it. By the time I ran to the ATM to retrieve my card, I was told my card had been seized by the ATM and it was government's policy not to release such cards. I was dejected.

Anyway, from there, took off in a bus for my appointment.

Got to the psychologist office for about 6p.m. He was not on seat. I had to wait for about 10 minutes for him. I however noticed that the ladies in his office were a bit cold to me. I had freaked out, panicked in front of them the other day and I don't think they liked it. I felt bad. Again, it could be my imagination.

Doc finally arrived and we went out again to the same eatery. While in the car, we started my session. He said that today, we would focus on the difference between thinking and meditating. He said thinking focused primarily on impediments along the way while meditation was focused primarily on how to succeed. He said I should start meditating.

I should be focused on succeeding and not keep thinking of obstacles. He said he noticed I was always mentioning bullies. That is thinking. Others too may be affected by the bullies but they ignore them and focus on their personal lives.

For someone with anxiety disorder, this is so true. Your mind is fixed on the challenges and why it can't be done. This extremely limiting belief keeps one trapped in an anxious state. Thinking eventually gravitates to worry.

Hr also mentioned I should use affirmations constantly. My affirmations should be worded positively. For instance, it would be wrong to say, "God, don't give me a bad wife". Rather, simply say, "God, please give me a good wife".

Then last, he said I should use questioning to challenge my beliefs. For instance, I presently have serious issues with making eye contact. He said if I am having problems making eye contact with someone, I should not take it to heart but rather say." In future when this is gone, I'll simply laugh over it. By then, no one will remember". That's CBT in action!

This all happened from the car and while in the eatery. My session finished around 8pm and he saw me off.

Day 11 of My Exposure Therapy

Today, I felt a bit refreshed. I think the benefit of the walk yesterday might have penetrated my subconsciousness despite the fact by sleep was horrid.

I woke up around 11 p.m last night and couldn't sleep till around 4am. But when I did sleep, I did sleep only waking up by 6:30 am about, to open the door for my cousin who slept outside. I then went back to sleep only to be awoken again around 7 something to open the door for someone sleeping in the servant quarters. They murdered my sleep! It was very, very deep.

I noticed today I was not as self conscious as always and my cousin who murdered my sleep commented that the treatment is working. I still have a long way to go.

I went to Shoprite quite early today as I branched there on my way back from a property inspection with a client. I saw two of my Christian brothers, a male and a female outside the mall at the bus stop. They were out in the field with a metropolitan board, that's the cart that holds lots of magazine and books that the Jehovah's Witnesses use for preaching. I decided to go into Shoprite and buy them a snack. All this while, they hadn't seen me.

I entered into the mall (the mall Shoprite supermarket is housed as the anchor tenant is called Ikeja Shopping Mall) and chose to enter into the Samsung shop. I had for long avoided the shop because they had to my opinion quite a few female salesgirls.

I entered into the Samsung shop and went to check the tablets which was close to the entrance. I actually wanted to go further and window shop for longer but close to the entrance was the farthest I had the strength to go. I'll do better next time.

As I was getting closer to Shoprite, I saw a shop selling jewelry and decided to enter. It was all part of exposure therapy. I enquired if they had any wedding rings. The lady (apparently the only person in the shop) said yes. I then changed my mind to engagement rings and she answered affimatively. She showed my a collection and I enquired about the prices. After a few minutes, I departed the shop.

About 3 shops away from the jewellers, I saw a phone shop with a large number of salesgirls, I felt challenged to enter but I immediately developed cold feet. It seemed beyond me. I won't give up though. Very soon, I walk into that place like I own it. Just a matter of time.

I then went into Shoprite, asked about the biscuit section and I was told 3 row on the left. Found it and it took me about 10 minutes to settle ona biscuit to buy.

At a point, a wave of anxiety seemed to creep up. I notice it happens anytime I step out of my comfort zone or engage in something around people that I underestimated. Difficult to explain.

Anyway, I paid for the biscuit, and went straight to KFC. I sat at a more conspicuous spot than always and noticed I was more confident than normal. I even lifted up my head and looked at people a bit. I don't like making eye contact but I must overcome it and I am overcoming it.

Afterwards, I went to give my Christian friends the biscuit.

Around 5:30, went for the long walk. Went down the entire street as always and had a stroll to another suburb. I however chose to my hood and walk back the long street to my house. This I did quite confidently.

My exposure therapy for the day is over.

If I have a problem, it is from harassment from some low lifes in my area and I might involve the authorities, I just want to ensure that when I invite them in, they are able to break the backs of these evil people completely. They are utterly useless set of people, toxic and very negative. However, my future is bright and clear.

Day 10 of My Exposure Therapy

First and foremost, sorry I forgot to post yesterday.

So today, I will be posting my activity for both yesterday and today.

We start with yesterday which is day 10, I went for the customary long walk down the very crowded street. It was quite memorable because early on in the walk, I met a local boy who is a friend of mine. In America, they'd say someone in the hood. He is about 10 years my junior and someone who has my back. He always comes to me for favours and I do extend a hand as often as I can.

Well, he decided to walk with me. I felt rather uncomfortable because of my tensed feelings when doing the walk, I like to walk at my own space and be in control. Now I was sacrificing some control and this just increased my nervousness.

It is in fact a good thing. People with social anxiety disorder or agoraphobia try earnestly to be seen as perfect. This is just impossible.

I chose to suffer the indignity of being imperfect. It was tough on me but I felt it was therapeutic. 

At the end of the street, he asked aint we going to drink something? I obliged and we went to a small drink joint. It was probably the first time I went drinking outside in my neighbourhood in about 3 years. I smiled within me. It was only the two of us in the joint apart from the sales girl.

We both drank two bottles, ate some fried meat and enjoyed the atmosphere. My friend asked if I wanted more and I said no. A extra bottle would have gotten me drunk!

I left him at the joint as I slowly, slowly found my way home. The walk back was more sedated as I was obviously under the influence of alcohol. Not much hassle.

When I got home, I decided there was no need to go to Shoprite and KFC. The joint was enough.

The time was around 7pm when I got home. By 8pm, I was asleep,. obviously influenced by the booze!

Day 9 of My Exposure Therapy.

It's already 6:03 p.m and I am yet to leave the house for my long walk. Perhaps I should set a time for these walks rather than wait this late. Perhaps I should set different hours each day of the week so I do not pigeon hole myself. I am determined to do these walks and other forms of exposure because its the price I have to pay to get better. I have to be focused because of a degeneration of my self-image recently due to harassments by some low lifes who tackle joy in putting others down. Let me get ready to go and I'll feed you back about my progress. Please pray for me. Let me say some affirmations to myself. 1. I am supremely confidence. 2. I look amazing 3. I am simply amazing 4. I have amazing and confidence eyes. 5. I am gorgeous and talented. 6. I am getting better and better Good thing I went for the walk. I felt on top of the world after the walk. It was exhilarating. When you face great fear head on, you come out stronger. It has left a positive feel on me. My psychologist was proud of me. It is advised that the best time to expose yourself is when you're having a panic attack. That's it is the fear of panic attacks is whjat grips. When you face the fear head on about 15 times, the fear disappears. I am ready to take it on I left for the mall around 8:20 pm and went into Shoprite. Was less intimidating than usual. Rather than go to Shoprite, I went to a more open eatery. To be honest, the mall was emptier than usual as it was near closing hours. Well, today was a good day!

Day 8 of Exposure Therapy

Today is day 8 of exposure therapy and I am about to commence the long walk. It's already p[ast 6 here and I just wait forever perhaps out of fear. My anxiety is already rising but I learnt a lesson yesterday. My thoughts are actually worse than the walk itself. Anxiety is so deceptive. There is really nothing to fear. Nothing whatsoever. So I'm off for my walk now. Later, I'll go to the mall. Finished the walk and came back home. Today, was more tense than usual as I have been under some pressure lately which has made me quite paranoid. Been harassed by some worthless people. I am just trying to calm my nerves. Around 8pm, I left home with my cousins friend to the shopping mall. Browsed shoprite quite a bit and left. Headed straight to KFC where we sat down for 15minutes. My deepest challenge at KFC is making eye contact. I don't just want to look people in the eyes.Or if I do, its for a nanosecond and I bend my head down and stare at my phone. I won't give up. I need to get better so and even be okay so I can start attending my Christian meetings regularly again.I owe that to my Creator and myself!

Day 7 of Exposure Therapy

Today, I left for my walk at 6:26pm, a bit anxious but determined as ever. and I started walking up the street with the usually tension or apprehension.

One thing I realized was that my fear was worse than the reality. I wish this can register firmly into my head. There was nothing really to fear. It was all the irrationality of anxiety.

I walked up the street. Around a two fifth of the way, I encountered a friend who called out my name. I was startled and I froze. I hoped no one noticed me freeze. Quickly exchange a few pleasantries and I was on my way down the street. I also met a Christian sister who is much older than me. Gave her a beautiful smile but nervous interaction and I departed. I walked down the street alright!

Better still, I chose to walk back up immediately. This was even better than the initial journey. A friend called out my name when I had about 30% of the walk left and I went to meet him in the shop he sat in with 2 other people I know. One was a guy and the other a lady.

I apologized to the lady as she was a Christian sister and had invited me to the meeting for Sunday and I did not attend. I know she'd be seething. She doesn't understand anxiety or what I've been true so I don't blame her.

Had a little chitchat with my friend and funny, I wasn't that tense. I am gradually relaxing.

I went for my Shoprite runs around 8:15pm. Entered the mall, went into Shoprite supermarket, walked about a little. Wasn't feeling too good.

Then went to KFC, sat by the window, was a bit relaxed initially but started feeling tense. Then left within 5 minutes. I however noticed I was less self conscious because I could observe some activity around me. Normally, when you are in a state of panic or anxiety, you're so consumed with your fears that you don't take notice of little things happening around you. Today was different. It was like taking in air.

Day 6 of Exposure Therapy

Since I did not follow up yesterday, Day 6 stands for October 7th which was yesterday Today was a special day for me. I did my long walk rather late, that is after 6 a.m in the evening but before getting dark of course. I never want the night to fall when I do this walks so I can be very visible unlike the dark which makes me invisible.

I was initially filled with panic for the first 30 seconds. A friend who runs a business center met me early in the way and said my spectacles were still in his office. And he told me of one of his friends who got married who I knew quite well.

I then left him and walked down the entire street.

Now, I noticed that my biggest challenge walking down the street had been around the mid way through the long walk. There was an old man who was an estate agent who had a house around the spot and would always stop me for a chat on properties (I am also a part time estate agent). This used to get me very nervous as we would always be outside talking which I found very stressful. My panic would spike.

My second challenge was a friend who was managing the construction of a building, the one who had a son. I also found it stressful meeting him and also prayed to avoid.

Apart from these two, nothing all was obviously stressful even though my nerves told me otherwise. However I had been progressively getting better.

Today however, I passed that challenge with flying colors. I was not too tense when passing their spots and was able to complete the entire street. I would go between mild feelings of anxiety and not even feeling self conscious at all. I am really improving.

After finishing the walk, I did something huge. I decided to go for a Christian meeting. I hadn't been to one for months.

I got there quite late. Probably around 7:45. The start time is 6:30. I didn't attend my congregation but another one.

I sat at the back in between 2 married women- one had a very pretty toddler.

I was anxious though but I didn't freak out. I handled it quite well.

I plan to go for Sunday's meeting. I'm gradually getting back! hurrah!

Day 5 of Exposure Therapy

Since I did no follow up on the 6th and 7th of October, I plan to make up for those 2 days by writing them now. So day 5, which is 6th of October is below. Day 5,

This was the day of my appointment with my psychologist. On this day, I was very edgy has I had very little sleep. I must have slept around 2 and woke up around 5 a.m. My subdued anxiety was through the roof. I was on the edge throughout the day and was very noticeable.

My psychologist visit was in the evening for 6 a.m. When I got to his office, a minute late, he was not on sit. A beautiful lady in the office building he shares with another psychologist informed me so. I was on edge just sighting her. I was that irritable. Staying in the reception area waiting for the shrink was getting to me so I went to the toilet to get away.

Once I got out from the toilet, I saw the psychologist coming down and he said he had been looking for me. He was dressed casually in jeans which was unusual. He said today, we would be going out together to a restaurant for some exposure therapy with him. Fine by me and who was I to argue.

 As I was coming out, I saw the beautiful lady and her other colleagues in the office about to leave in a car. This made me nervous and I tried to hide my nervousness which made me very panicky. I felt so bad.

 Anyway, we went to a waterside joint and entered a restaurant/bar there. I sat down backing the counters where the salesgirls were. Just writing this, I see no point in it.

I and the psychologist started talking and things were going okay. He at a point asked me how I felt here and I said okay. I said if the sitting position was changed and I was facing the ladies, I may be more nervous.

I moved my seats where I'd be at a position to be seen by the sales girls. I was initially not nervous but after a minute or 2, my anxiety started to build and I distracted myself by busying myself with my phone. After a further 3 to 5 minutes, I went back to my position.

The psychologist told me that to overcome my anxiety I should be ready to battle it head on. He said that if I want to take the easy or comfortable route to things, life would be hard for me. And that I chose to take the hard route to things, life would be easy for me.

What he said was true. For anyone suffering from an anxiety disorder, staying within the comfort zone of seclusion and avoidance was the standard. Unfortunately, that only gives the anxiety root but also makes it grow. Mine grew from mild general anxiety disorder to full blown aqnxiety that saw me having great difficulty just even opening the front to go out.

Through the various sessions and the start of my exposure therapy, I had gotten better. My friend had been quite impressed when we went to Shoprite supermarket and I did not freak out. He used the word "impressed".

He was also concerned about my persistent complaint about bullies and bullying and said I must expunged those words from my dictionary and I was becoming overly obsessed by it. That even if it were true, I should learn to ignore them. That in a few years time, by then married and living in a new environment, that would be in distant memory.

He now asked me to write down 5 statements which I did and which I would not bore you with. Actually, I have not been going through them which is a shame. I'll start today.

We then ended the session and he saw me off.

Apart from seeing my shrink, I did not go for the long walk or do any exposure exercises.

Day 4 of Exposure Therapy

Today, I walked up the long Street, went to Shoprite and KFC. I tried engaging in a little chitchat with the opposite sex by asking the female attendants some questions. They seem intimidated by me. I am quite handsome you see. I didn't feel much or any anxiety. On a scale of 1 to 100, it was like 10.

I was at the bank today and I observed I was a bit confident at the counter where there were up to 3 sales girls. I even spoke to a lady on the queue with me. She had jumped the queue and was right in front of me. She denied it but really didn't care. Really trying to chat, even if it's irrelevancies.

I plan to go to the police station today and file a complaint. The bullying must end. Can't allow it to continue. My nerves must not fail me. The anxiety must not interfere Another problem is money. The cops here will expect some cash and I am not too fluid. I'll basically be broke after I drop "something" for them.

Oh, for the past 2 days, I've not been well so could not do much therapy. It was only yesterday I walked down the long street and did not have the energy to Shoprite.

So I am skipping those days.

Day 3 of My Exposure Therapy

Today was not the best of days. It left me agitated.

There's a useless lady and a guy who work today was simply to harass me.

Kids from her premises started shouting at the top of their voices thereby getting me highly disturbed and irritated. I couldn't focus. I was a 100% sure it was targeted at me.

The lady has a long term history of stigmatizing me and today, she was in her elements. What had empowered her over the years was my inability to curtail her bullying was my inability to bring in the police because I was feel very anxious at the police station. Anxiety really is a nightmarish condition.

Another problem I had was the use of mobbing. These bullies never fought alone. Bunch of cowards. They would at the end of the day invite their friends and then overwhelm their victim. Obviously, it never was physical but verbal.

I couldn't even sleep in my room because the noise coming from outside kept frustrating me. I was incensed and powerless at the same time.

I was filled with rage but could not express that rage, they'd say nothing they were doing was targeted at me and it was the figment of my imagination. Then, it will get worse. They are toxic lot.

One kid  even shouted, "Are you mad?!" at the top of his voice towards me as I was walking towards him and he fled off. This just left my rage especially my powerlessness to do something.

Then, the useless lady shouted at the top of her voice, "Your head is not okay", but disguised to look as though it was targeted at someone else.

I began to bite a finger on my right hand. This I do when I am filled with fury and rage.I wish I could take a stick and beat the daylights out of them but I remembered the mobbing and that it would be counterproductive unless I had "boys" who had my back which I didn't.

In the evening, the noise just got worse with one of the bad boys in my area making noise with his boys just outside my window. I had to come outside and warn the ringleader that I will call the cops.

Once, I said this, his pals began to plead that they'll stop their noise making. It was just crocodile tears. They started almost as soon as they stopped. I was livid.

However, despite all these, I still did my walk up the street, went to Ikeja Shopping Mall, enter Shoprite and went to KFC, even though it was a few short minutes.

I'll still deal with the bullies. My treatment however must proceed nonetheless!

Day 2 of Exposure Therapy

Today, Saturday started off quite uneventfully. Slept around 1a.m and woke up around 6a.m. This wasn’t bad as there are times I sleep 3.30am and wake up 6.00 a.m. I suffer from insomnia. Too much thinking. Perhaps my insomnia is gradually going after 2 months of therapy. This are still early days.

It would have been ideal to have started my exposure therapy early by walking down the long street. I however developed cold feet and did not commence until around 6 p.m in the evening! Talk of fear!

Before I commenced, around 4pm, I stepped out of my house which itself was a stressful experience. I just had to be bold. I had to go and buy coffee for the purpose of heightening my anxiety.

So around 6 pm, after taking the coffee, I built up the courage and left the house for the walk down the street. For the first 50 meters, I was quite tense. A neighbor who sells and fixes car batteries beckoned to me that he needed some small change. I told him I would oblige him on my way back.

I continued further down and when I had gone about 40% of the way, I was beckoned by another friend. We went to same university but studied separate courses. He was there supervising a building project he was in charge of. He had read building construction in the university.

He was sitting in an auto rickshaw with someone. He introduced that person as his son who I always enquired about. The boy was around 15 years. He had told me in the past that a lady had a child for him.  I greeted the boy a bit too quickly but friendly enough and turned to my friend. Had a little chitchat and then continued towards the end of the street.

As I proceeded further, I noticed I was a bit more self-conscious than normal but I could handle it. The further I went, the less anxious I felt until I reached the end of the street.

Once I reached the end, I checked my body and found out I had no money on me. Went to the ATM and withdrew the smallest amount permissible.

I decided to stroll down the long street back home. As I was going, I decided to buy a bottle of coke for my friend’s son and hand it to him in the event I encounter them again on my way back.

Funny, I approached a shop to buy it and initially I was calm but with time I started suffering a small panic attack and I began to freeze. My biggest prayer then was that I hoped the woman wouldn’t notice. This just worsened matters as it made me tense the more. I was eventually able to get out of there.

This is like an eye opener. I must stop worrying about whether the woman sees my panic or not. It’s really that fear that even created the unnecessary panic episode anyway. The self-conscious is really an excessively irrational fear of being judged or condemned. With time, I will loosen the hold people’s validation has on me. Hurrah!

I left the woman’s shop and as I proceed further, a long term buddy of mine called me and said he was at my place. I informed him I was out for my exposure therapy. I told him I was coming home but he said he would come meet me where I was.

I said no problem that he should rather come to the bus stop where we are sure not to miss each other. My friend however took a good 20 minutes or so walking leisurely. I was not too pleased as he had just ruined my therapeutic exposure and was totally unfazed.

One thing I noticed at the bus stop was that I was rather calm and composed. I was delighted at this.

My friend arrived and we started chatting. Told me he too went to the psychologist today. Today was his first appointment. His senior sister learnt he was depressed and she was worried he wasn’t suicidal. Paid for the entire treatment. She also took him to a homeopath. Was happy for him. Wish I had someone who would pay for me.

After a while of being with my friend at the bus stop, I started becoming self conscious and tense. Just wanted to leave. I was becoming tense because there was a certain lady, who was looking towards my direction and this made me self-conscious. The anxiety I suspect was sparked off subconsciously by the bullying which has made me unnecessarily fearful in situations like that. I think I would be harassed verbally. The bullying has made me see the average innocent person the way I view them: as cold, and heartless.

Truth is bullies are daft and useless and one would not waste ones time and tears on them. Really useless set of individuals are what bullies are.

I said good bye to my friend after he got an auto rickshaw and I departed to complete the long walk back that street. It was getting rather dark now so I wasn’t as self-conscious as I should be. I wasn’t too happy about this as I wanted to face my fear squarely. I realized I was rather tense and not looking forward to passing the woman I bought the coke from. I have become extremely self-conscious about her presence but I am determined to lose it. I don’t like anything that draws attention to myself. I find this a bit embarrassing and distressing. I, however will not give up and come out for my walk or stroll tomorrow.

I notice I am rather shy round ladies and I am determined to conquer this.

I successfully walked down the rest of the street without hassles till I got home around 7.05pm. Hurrah! I also gave the battery guy some small change.

My next stop was Ikeja mall. I left home around 8.00 pm and got to the mall about 10 minutes later.

I first encountered a sales girl selling art works and I enquired about 2 paintings that caught my fancy. She told me the prices and I walked further on.

I then went into Shoprite supermarket which is the anchor tenant for the shopping mall. I could have sworn I heard a rotten word towards from one of the sales boy in Shoprite as I walked in. This could be a figment of my imagination however. Note that the shopping mall employs many people from my neighborhood hence may also be true.

Walked round a bit and wanted to buy a chocolate but couldn’t honestly afford it. I then left the supermarket and headed to the food section of the mall. I found most restaurants intimidating as they were too exposed. I again went into KFC and sat where I did before. I think this is my comfort zone.

My psychologist warned me about comfort zones. He said they are not good. I will take cognizance of this and find a more intimidating location. Spooky!

I spent about 10 minutes there basically staring at my phone. As I write, my stomach is tightening. The experience must really have worked me up. I however have no choice if I want to get better. Next time, I’ll sit for 15 minutes.

I then left KFC and a bit nervous of course. I am determined this nervousness leaves me. I first thought of exiting the building but changed my mind. I still needed to find a girl to talk to for about 5 minutes. I thereby went back in. I searched for an opportunity to chat up someone but found. I hope you know I am saying the truth. I know you don’t believe me that I couldn’t find a lady in a shopping mall with hundreds of girls. Well, I will prepare a better strategy tomorrow.

Well, that’s my story for today. Keep you posted tomorrow.

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