MY SOCIAL ANXIETY IS MAKING THE CHAIRMAN ANXIOUS

Yesterday, when the chairman of the company came in, I froze (mini panic attack) and he noticed. He was visibly shaken by it and this saddened me. I hate making people feel uncomfortable.

Today again as I was about entering the office, I again froze but it seemed much lighter this time. He greeted me with some reservations. He is really nice fellow and quite free.

One of my most pressing problems is making eye contact. I find it torturous many times.

I wonder why I avoid eye contact? Is it that I don’t wan’t people to notice hopw inadequate I am? Is that I don’t want people to know how shy I can be or am.

I may have to open up to him about my battle with anxiety and the treatment I am presently going through.

Restarting My Exposure Therapy

Today 30^th of October, 2016

I have restarting my 21 days exposure therapy. Why I am restarting is because I was not 100% faithful to the old one. I really need to be.

Have there been benefits so far? You bet there’s been.

On my first journey down a long street which I had avoided forever, I was quite nervous. I encountered a long term neighbor who was around my age. He said he was hungry and I should buy him a snack. I obliged and bought double what he wanted.

I have gone for a walk a couple more times after that and I’m still nervous but more in control.

Today that I’m restarting, I am registering the date down (30^th September, 2016). My exposure therapy will end on the 20^th of October. I hope by then I would have made tremendous improvements.

My list of challenges to face:

1.       Go to a fast-food joint every day and sit facing people.

2.       Walk down 2 long streets in my neighborhood every day. I dread those streets as its in densely populated area.

3.       Go to the Shoprite mall in my neighborhood every day. This is the busiest shopping mall in Lagos state

4.       Stay in the reception area of your office everyday

5.       Come out of your office as often as possible especially when people are around.

6.       Converse 5 – 10 minutes every day with the opposite sex

I’ll be frank with you, this is a mouthful. I got goose bumps just writing the first one. I am already tense just remembering it.

So which ones did I do today?

First, I walked up a long street. When I went a quarter of the way, I met a Christian sister and we started chatting. She asked what happened to me that I just disappeared from all Christian activities especially attending meetings. I told her that I suffer from social anxiety and that I am presently in going through treatment. That coupled with the anxiety, I was being bullied and this just made me paranoid. I felt my paranoid state would be a burden to the congregation so I left. My leaving though is not permanent.

She basically encouraged me to come back that we all face challenges in life but that should never let us turn our back on God. She knew I hadn’t turned my back but just confused and depressed. She urged I come for Sunday meeting.

This obviously took more than 5minutes. More like 10 minutes and I noticed I was a bit confident when talking with her. I was not too self-conscious and I could make eye contact.  This pleased me a bit.

I left her and finished my journey down the street. It was only when I was a quarter of the distance remaining I became worked up and self-conscious. Fortunately, it did not last too long and even if it did, I had it to some extent under control.

After the walk down the long street, I went to an ATM to withdraw cash and then walked a bit of a distance to get a rickshaw. The funny thing is that I do enjoy strolls, just that I avoid some certain areas.

From there, went to Ikeja computer village, the largest computer and telephone market in West Africa, to submit a company check.

This was my responsibility in the company but I had outsourced it to company’s security guard as I did not like going to the banks. I actually pay him for this.

I deliberately got down at the busiest part of the market as my part of my exposure therapy even though it was not included. I felt a bit tense and self-conscious but was determined to brave it. I handled it quite well though once I felt a panic only once but it quickly fizzled out.

After leaving the bank, I again took the busy section and even went to buy myself a take away snack.

Now took a bus to Shoprite mall. Went in and headed for KFC after feeling other fast food joints at the mall were too open. With time hopefully, I’ll lose my fear of that.

I sat down near the entrance and brought out my book. Asked the man almost opposite me for his pen as I did not bring mine. I jotted down a few things related to my business as I also so my estate agency business partner.

I didn’t spend much time in the mall as I started getting agitated when some girls sat on a table close to mine. I must have spend about 5 minutes in all.

I did notice something today though. I was able to lift up my head which was a huge victory. Normally I would bend my head down because I didn’t want to make eye contact. I should drink to that!

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A Little About My Neighborhood

As part of my exposure therapy, I am supposed to walk up some streets which I have been avoiding forever. This I have done for about a week now exempting yesterday. Okay, I did walk the street but at night. This was because I had no opportunity during the day to do so.

It has been therapeutic but challenging. The greatest challenge I have encountered so far is meeting people and talking with them. Perhaps, that was what I feared most subconsciously. I do get tense after a while talking with them.

As I walk, at times I wave at people or even go meet them.

Before I continue let me give a brief breakdown of neighborhood.  My upper middle class neighborhood is right beside a poor and rough one. The street I am to walk is in the poor neighborhood and it’s densely populated. You have families of up to 8 living in just a small room and there might be up to 10 rooms or more in a bungalow. All occupants, numbering as many as a hundred usually share only a toilet and bath. Some occupants wake up as early as 4am to take their showers before a long queue forms. Add the heat of their individuals rooms which often have poor ventilation or a leaking roof and mixed with hunger, you have combustible material for trouble.

Unemployment is a high with as many as half the population either unemployed or under-employed especially amongst the youths. Delinquency amongst the youth is rife with fights breaking out among boys as young as 15. The use of bottles in fights are common. Guns are rarely used. I have been in this neighborhood for over 30years and have never heard of a gun fight. Only armed robbers utilize guns and use them only during their dreadful operations. Young ones are consistently trying to prove their manliness through violence.

However, the neighborhood is still quite safe with deaths from homicides extremely rare unless you believe in witchcraft that persons can be killed by casting spells. News from that too is mercifully rare. Opportunistic acts of violence on innocent ones too are not too common. It however pays for young ones not to incite trouble, and to have people ready to stand up for them in case of them being bullied. Bullies are easily intimidated when you have back up. Their preferred prey are the isolated. Bullies are human wolves and move in packs when picking on their prey making them vulnerable. Countering them with your own “pack” is usually sufficient or the threat of the police. These cowards always run away.

Most often, it is best just to ignore bullies until these perennial wind chasers get bored and move unto someone else.

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Appointment With My Psychologist

Woke up today around 6:30 after sleeping around 2a.m yesterday. Had an appointment with my shrink for 10am.

Went outside to pick my shirt on the laundry line which was partly damp because I washed it around 12 midnight. I iron dried it after spraying it with starch. Took a bath and prepared for the day.

As I was about to leave home around 8:30, my cousin who I work for informed me that I have a letter to prepare to a company. Informed him of my meeting with the shrink for 10 and that it will have to wait till I’m back.

Was about leaving and was unsure what route I’ll take.

The preferred route had policemen and their cars parked there early in the mornings and I always froze anytime I saw them. I just can’t explain. I now it was the anxiety.

The other route will involve me meeting with my Christian brothers at the bus stop who’ll be there preaching with a cart. I am a Witness.

I did not want to meet them as I had not been to meeting for over 5 months now which was basically unacceptable (Hebrews 10:24-25). They’d be worried and start asking questions why I haven’t been coming for meetings. Did not want to face this either.

I had stopped going to meetings because the bullying I was facing which was tragic beginnings was because of my anxiety was leaving me extremely paranoid and self-conscious.

I couldn’t even go to the police and report because that made me anxious as well and I don’t want them worrying that there’s something wrong with this fellow. Oh my, the bullies were having a field day and I felt humiliated, worthless and restless.

I chose to go through the route the policemen would be on.

I started walking up that route and did not feel an ounce of self-consciousness. All of a sudden, midway up the street, a feeling of self-consciousness swept through my body and the presence of a police car and some police men now dawned on me. I became extremely self-conscious and froze (Don’t know whether to call it a panic attack) but kept walking. I was to pass some young men who I know and my tense feelings left me feeling embarrassed as I kept wondering what the guys would be saying to themselves, “ why is he tense”, “what’s biting him”, “madman” and so on.

I got to the two I knew amongst them and started chatting with one. My primary reason for doing this was really to calm my nerves and look normal to people. Deep down, I knew my anxious behavior was irrational but couldn’t help it. Was worried how they’ll view me.

Left my friend and as I was going further got to a junction where I met a group of policemen. I knew subconsciously that a large number of cops were always around here and I froze again.

I hated these mini panic attacks and felt they embarrassed me. I was gripped with the thought that policemen would be wondering what’s up with the guy, whether I was alright. I didn’t want them to see me as weird. That thought kept going through my mind thinking an insult may be directed at me from them for my behavior. Am I not exaggerating things? My stomach is churning as I write this.

I worry too much about what people think about me. I also worry a bit too much about people’s feelings.

I arrived at the psychologist office for 10:08. He arrived like 6 minutes earlier having been stuck in traffic so both of us were late.

Normally my sessions are in the evenings for 6pm on Thursdays but he had requested we make it much earlier as he had a very pressing engagement for 6pm today.

We were to focus on my anger today. My anger was primarily caused by bullies who had been hurling insults and my loud noises to get on my nerves. This made me explode a number of times with unwanted consequences.

He first start by showing me a diagram of the brain. He said when angry, the sensations we feel first reach the emotional part of the brain before hitting the thinking part of it. That’s why we react most often without thinking when angry. Later, we regret.

He said the secret was to short circuit the process and let the thinking said act first. I now quoted Proverbs 19:11 where it says that “The insight of a man slows down his anger”.

The psychologist said if we always think of the result of our anger first, we would exercise great caution. He gave me an example.

He said while he was driving on a 2 lane road the other day, a stupid driver decided to leave his own lane which was held up in a traffic jam and come unto his which was free in other to beat the traffic snarl.. This was crazy as the daredevil was now facing oncoming traffic. His car was now facing that of the psychologist and eventually both cars met. The mad driver now barked at the psychologist to go back and even going as far as coming down from his car and banging on his demanding he move! This is Nigeria and impunity rules.

This pissed off my shrink to high heavens and he came down from his car. He said he would have used his experience when he was in the military and his black belt in martial arts to cut the man to size. His plan was to hit the man on the jugular which would have made him unconscious for a minute.

All of a sudden a lady called out his name. He was stunned and asked how she knew him. She replied that she had attended one of his seminars on emotional . Her presence immediately brought him to his senses and he let go of his urge to harm the man.

Now had he struck the crazy driver, his reputation would have been badly damaged, perhaps for good. He had allowed the emotional part of the brain to first gain control before the rational thinking part took over upon the appearance of the woman. It was a great lesson not only for him but for me as well.

If we think of the end result of our anger, won’t we always keep it in check?

He also said that there is a need to forgive. He said that forgiving someone is akin to releasing someone from prison and that person is you.

PS

This post was meant for Thursday 29th of October 2016 which was yesterday. I had problems connecting to the internet

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