Today was eventful for a reason.
Had a very horrible sleep despite taking Nytol, a sleeping supplement. I doubt I slept more than 2 hours in total. It was that bad. I was on edge during the day.
Went for a property inspection far from my place. Noticed I was on edge most times but also noticed an improved level of confidence sometimes. I won't give up
The client came late and was not too impressed by the location because of the waterlogged nature of the area. I left him around 1pm and headed home.
Before getting home, I decided to stroll into a KFC as part of my exposure therapy. I sat very close to the window on a 2 seater table. Can't remember greeting the fellow in front of me but I probably did. Later asked if he had a pen and he said no.
He then left and a pretty lady now took his spot. She asked if I won't mind and I said no. I was initially uncomfortable but I relaxed eventually. I focused on my phone and looking outside. I asked if she had a pen and she said no. Why don't people go round with their pens.
She asked me if she could use my phone that she had no phone credit. I wanted to ask her to give me her number than I'll send her some phone credits through mobile banking. A call came in, most likely from her beau (who I believed she wanted to call) and she described to the caller how to locate the KFC restaurant. While talking, she sighted her beau on the other side of the road and I think she said goodbye as she stood up and left.
For some reason I felt good about myself. For long, I have suffered from negative self image because of the bullying. Her asking me for help went a long way in alleviating some of that negative perception. I am determined that all such negative self talk and image disappears totally.
I went home from there and within the hour, I was fast asleep. The time was just around 3pm and I didn't wake up till 9pm. I wonder whether I was making up from the poor sleep I had or if it was the experience with the lady that brought about the well deserved nap.
Anyway, I'm awake now typing away.
I did not go to Shoprite today. I felt my encounter with the lady was enough therapy. I am going to go further. with my exposure therapy.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Friday, October 14, 2016
Day 13 of My Exposure Therapy
Today, I went around 6:30pm for my long walk. It was without any incident. The most I did was to great an old time acquaintance quite confidently. Was a bit self conscious but I passed.
I also met someone living on my street and I was a bit confident even though I was on the street. I am becoming less self conscious and more self confident.
After the long walk, I took a walk to Allen Avenue, a popular commercial street in Ikeja, which happens to be the capital of Lagos. Went to a pharmacy along the street and bought Nytol, a natural sleeping herbal supplement.
From there, took a very long walk to the shopping mall and went to straight to MTN's shop, the mobile telephony giant to compalin about my line. They took a bit too long to attend to me and I was very uncomfortable. I found it very difficult to lift my head. This my eye contact problem. But again, I sense it's not an eye contact issue. I think the lady attendants noticed and were irritated. I have accepted this is the price I have to pay to get better and I am ready to pay it again and again.
After finishing there, I went to an open eatery where I satand got up after like 3 minutes when I started getting self conscious. The problem I have is that the bullying has affected me negatively making me see the typical person in the light of the bully. Like someone who may look down at me and think mean or say mean things to me.
As I write this, I am saying to myself, this isn't true. I must now learn to differentiate the two and put them apart.
I must also put this bullying issue behind me and the supressed anger within me.
From there, I left for Shoprite supermarket where I sauntered across for like 10 minutes. Today, I was not in the best of moods but I noticed some positive developments that I was more confident in a few moments. This I am grateful for.
I now departed Shoprite and entered a phone shop where there are usually lots of girls. Unfortunately, they were closing and there were not much lafies there so my purpose of being there was defeated..
I left the shop and went home.
I also met someone living on my street and I was a bit confident even though I was on the street. I am becoming less self conscious and more self confident.
After the long walk, I took a walk to Allen Avenue, a popular commercial street in Ikeja, which happens to be the capital of Lagos. Went to a pharmacy along the street and bought Nytol, a natural sleeping herbal supplement.
From there, took a very long walk to the shopping mall and went to straight to MTN's shop, the mobile telephony giant to compalin about my line. They took a bit too long to attend to me and I was very uncomfortable. I found it very difficult to lift my head. This my eye contact problem. But again, I sense it's not an eye contact issue. I think the lady attendants noticed and were irritated. I have accepted this is the price I have to pay to get better and I am ready to pay it again and again.
After finishing there, I went to an open eatery where I satand got up after like 3 minutes when I started getting self conscious. The problem I have is that the bullying has affected me negatively making me see the typical person in the light of the bully. Like someone who may look down at me and think mean or say mean things to me.
As I write this, I am saying to myself, this isn't true. I must now learn to differentiate the two and put them apart.
I must also put this bullying issue behind me and the supressed anger within me.
From there, I left for Shoprite supermarket where I sauntered across for like 10 minutes. Today, I was not in the best of moods but I noticed some positive developments that I was more confident in a few moments. This I am grateful for.
I now departed Shoprite and entered a phone shop where there are usually lots of girls. Unfortunately, they were closing and there were not much lafies there so my purpose of being there was defeated..
I left the shop and went home.
Day 12 of My Exposure Therapy
I forgot to update yesterday. I'm sorry.
Well, yesterday was my appointment with my psychologist for 6pm.
The day was rather uneventful only that I went for my long walk rather early. I went for the longt walk through the crowded street around 2.20pm because I wanted to make some payment at an ATM.
The long walk was rather okay. I met a estate agent who also happened to be a friend along the street and we got chatting about a certain lady client of mine who wanted to rent property. I told him I'd link him with the client.
What I found momentarily interesting was that even though we were out on the street and in public, I was not too self conscious. Actually, for about a minute or so, I was totally self confident and only focused on the person I was talking to. With time, that 1 minute will improve to 10 minutes and eventually to 24 hours! I can't wait!
Once, I finished the walk, went to the ATM where I got frustrated because the network wasn't functioning well and I forgot my card inside it. By the time I ran to the ATM to retrieve my card, I was told my card had been seized by the ATM and it was government's policy not to release such cards. I was dejected.
Anyway, from there, took off in a bus for my appointment.
Got to the psychologist office for about 6p.m. He was not on seat. I had to wait for about 10 minutes for him. I however noticed that the ladies in his office were a bit cold to me. I had freaked out, panicked in front of them the other day and I don't think they liked it. I felt bad. Again, it could be my imagination.
Doc finally arrived and we went out again to the same eatery. While in the car, we started my session. He said that today, we would focus on the difference between thinking and meditating. He said thinking focused primarily on impediments along the way while meditation was focused primarily on how to succeed. He said I should start meditating.
I should be focused on succeeding and not keep thinking of obstacles. He said he noticed I was always mentioning bullies. That is thinking. Others too may be affected by the bullies but they ignore them and focus on their personal lives.
For someone with anxiety disorder, this is so true. Your mind is fixed on the challenges and why it can't be done. This extremely limiting belief keeps one trapped in an anxious state. Thinking eventually gravitates to worry.
Hr also mentioned I should use affirmations constantly. My affirmations should be worded positively. For instance, it would be wrong to say, "God, don't give me a bad wife". Rather, simply say, "God, please give me a good wife".
Then last, he said I should use questioning to challenge my beliefs. For instance, I presently have serious issues with making eye contact. He said if I am having problems making eye contact with someone, I should not take it to heart but rather say." In future when this is gone, I'll simply laugh over it. By then, no one will remember". That's CBT in action!
This all happened from the car and while in the eatery. My session finished around 8pm and he saw me off.
Well, yesterday was my appointment with my psychologist for 6pm.
The day was rather uneventful only that I went for my long walk rather early. I went for the longt walk through the crowded street around 2.20pm because I wanted to make some payment at an ATM.
The long walk was rather okay. I met a estate agent who also happened to be a friend along the street and we got chatting about a certain lady client of mine who wanted to rent property. I told him I'd link him with the client.
What I found momentarily interesting was that even though we were out on the street and in public, I was not too self conscious. Actually, for about a minute or so, I was totally self confident and only focused on the person I was talking to. With time, that 1 minute will improve to 10 minutes and eventually to 24 hours! I can't wait!
Once, I finished the walk, went to the ATM where I got frustrated because the network wasn't functioning well and I forgot my card inside it. By the time I ran to the ATM to retrieve my card, I was told my card had been seized by the ATM and it was government's policy not to release such cards. I was dejected.
Anyway, from there, took off in a bus for my appointment.
Got to the psychologist office for about 6p.m. He was not on seat. I had to wait for about 10 minutes for him. I however noticed that the ladies in his office were a bit cold to me. I had freaked out, panicked in front of them the other day and I don't think they liked it. I felt bad. Again, it could be my imagination.
Doc finally arrived and we went out again to the same eatery. While in the car, we started my session. He said that today, we would focus on the difference between thinking and meditating. He said thinking focused primarily on impediments along the way while meditation was focused primarily on how to succeed. He said I should start meditating.
I should be focused on succeeding and not keep thinking of obstacles. He said he noticed I was always mentioning bullies. That is thinking. Others too may be affected by the bullies but they ignore them and focus on their personal lives.
For someone with anxiety disorder, this is so true. Your mind is fixed on the challenges and why it can't be done. This extremely limiting belief keeps one trapped in an anxious state. Thinking eventually gravitates to worry.
Hr also mentioned I should use affirmations constantly. My affirmations should be worded positively. For instance, it would be wrong to say, "God, don't give me a bad wife". Rather, simply say, "God, please give me a good wife".
Then last, he said I should use questioning to challenge my beliefs. For instance, I presently have serious issues with making eye contact. He said if I am having problems making eye contact with someone, I should not take it to heart but rather say." In future when this is gone, I'll simply laugh over it. By then, no one will remember". That's CBT in action!
This all happened from the car and while in the eatery. My session finished around 8pm and he saw me off.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Day 11 of My Exposure Therapy
Today, I felt a bit refreshed. I think the benefit of the walk yesterday might have penetrated my subconsciousness despite the fact by sleep was horrid.
I woke up around 11 p.m last night and couldn't sleep till around 4am. But when I did sleep, I did sleep only waking up by 6:30 am about, to open the door for my cousin who slept outside. I then went back to sleep only to be awoken again around 7 something to open the door for someone sleeping in the servant quarters. They murdered my sleep! It was very, very deep.
I noticed today I was not as self conscious as always and my cousin who murdered my sleep commented that the treatment is working. I still have a long way to go.
I went to Shoprite quite early today as I branched there on my way back from a property inspection with a client. I saw two of my Christian brothers, a male and a female outside the mall at the bus stop. They were out in the field with a metropolitan board, that's the cart that holds lots of magazine and books that the Jehovah's Witnesses use for preaching. I decided to go into Shoprite and buy them a snack. All this while, they hadn't seen me.
I entered into the mall (the mall Shoprite supermarket is housed as the anchor tenant is called Ikeja Shopping Mall) and chose to enter into the Samsung shop. I had for long avoided the shop because they had to my opinion quite a few female salesgirls.
I entered into the Samsung shop and went to check the tablets which was close to the entrance. I actually wanted to go further and window shop for longer but close to the entrance was the farthest I had the strength to go. I'll do better next time.
As I was getting closer to Shoprite, I saw a shop selling jewelry and decided to enter. It was all part of exposure therapy. I enquired if they had any wedding rings. The lady (apparently the only person in the shop) said yes. I then changed my mind to engagement rings and she answered affimatively. She showed my a collection and I enquired about the prices. After a few minutes, I departed the shop.
About 3 shops away from the jewellers, I saw a phone shop with a large number of salesgirls, I felt challenged to enter but I immediately developed cold feet. It seemed beyond me. I won't give up though. Very soon, I walk into that place like I own it. Just a matter of time.
I then went into Shoprite, asked about the biscuit section and I was told 3 row on the left. Found it and it took me about 10 minutes to settle ona biscuit to buy.
At a point, a wave of anxiety seemed to creep up. I notice it happens anytime I step out of my comfort zone or engage in something around people that I underestimated. Difficult to explain.
Anyway, I paid for the biscuit, and went straight to KFC. I sat at a more conspicuous spot than always and noticed I was more confident than normal. I even lifted up my head and looked at people a bit. I don't like making eye contact but I must overcome it and I am overcoming it.
Afterwards, I went to give my Christian friends the biscuit.
Around 5:30, went for the long walk. Went down the entire street as always and had a stroll to another suburb. I however chose to my hood and walk back the long street to my house. This I did quite confidently.
My exposure therapy for the day is over.
If I have a problem, it is from harassment from some low lifes in my area and I might involve the authorities, I just want to ensure that when I invite them in, they are able to break the backs of these evil people completely. They are utterly useless set of people, toxic and very negative. However, my future is bright and clear.
I woke up around 11 p.m last night and couldn't sleep till around 4am. But when I did sleep, I did sleep only waking up by 6:30 am about, to open the door for my cousin who slept outside. I then went back to sleep only to be awoken again around 7 something to open the door for someone sleeping in the servant quarters. They murdered my sleep! It was very, very deep.
I noticed today I was not as self conscious as always and my cousin who murdered my sleep commented that the treatment is working. I still have a long way to go.
I went to Shoprite quite early today as I branched there on my way back from a property inspection with a client. I saw two of my Christian brothers, a male and a female outside the mall at the bus stop. They were out in the field with a metropolitan board, that's the cart that holds lots of magazine and books that the Jehovah's Witnesses use for preaching. I decided to go into Shoprite and buy them a snack. All this while, they hadn't seen me.
I entered into the mall (the mall Shoprite supermarket is housed as the anchor tenant is called Ikeja Shopping Mall) and chose to enter into the Samsung shop. I had for long avoided the shop because they had to my opinion quite a few female salesgirls.
I entered into the Samsung shop and went to check the tablets which was close to the entrance. I actually wanted to go further and window shop for longer but close to the entrance was the farthest I had the strength to go. I'll do better next time.
As I was getting closer to Shoprite, I saw a shop selling jewelry and decided to enter. It was all part of exposure therapy. I enquired if they had any wedding rings. The lady (apparently the only person in the shop) said yes. I then changed my mind to engagement rings and she answered affimatively. She showed my a collection and I enquired about the prices. After a few minutes, I departed the shop.
About 3 shops away from the jewellers, I saw a phone shop with a large number of salesgirls, I felt challenged to enter but I immediately developed cold feet. It seemed beyond me. I won't give up though. Very soon, I walk into that place like I own it. Just a matter of time.
I then went into Shoprite, asked about the biscuit section and I was told 3 row on the left. Found it and it took me about 10 minutes to settle ona biscuit to buy.
At a point, a wave of anxiety seemed to creep up. I notice it happens anytime I step out of my comfort zone or engage in something around people that I underestimated. Difficult to explain.
Anyway, I paid for the biscuit, and went straight to KFC. I sat at a more conspicuous spot than always and noticed I was more confident than normal. I even lifted up my head and looked at people a bit. I don't like making eye contact but I must overcome it and I am overcoming it.
Afterwards, I went to give my Christian friends the biscuit.
Around 5:30, went for the long walk. Went down the entire street as always and had a stroll to another suburb. I however chose to my hood and walk back the long street to my house. This I did quite confidently.
My exposure therapy for the day is over.
If I have a problem, it is from harassment from some low lifes in my area and I might involve the authorities, I just want to ensure that when I invite them in, they are able to break the backs of these evil people completely. They are utterly useless set of people, toxic and very negative. However, my future is bright and clear.
Day 10 of My Exposure Therapy
First and foremost, sorry I forgot to post yesterday.
So today, I will be posting my activity for both yesterday and today.
We start with yesterday which is day 10, I went for the customary long walk down the very crowded street. It was quite memorable because early on in the walk, I met a local boy who is a friend of mine. In America, they'd say someone in the hood. He is about 10 years my junior and someone who has my back. He always comes to me for favours and I do extend a hand as often as I can.
Well, he decided to walk with me. I felt rather uncomfortable because of my tensed feelings when doing the walk, I like to walk at my own space and be in control. Now I was sacrificing some control and this just increased my nervousness.
It is in fact a good thing. People with social anxiety disorder or agoraphobia try earnestly to be seen as perfect. This is just impossible.
I chose to suffer the indignity of being imperfect. It was tough on me but I felt it was therapeutic.
At the end of the street, he asked aint we going to drink something? I obliged and we went to a small drink joint. It was probably the first time I went drinking outside in my neighbourhood in about 3 years. I smiled within me. It was only the two of us in the joint apart from the sales girl.
We both drank two bottles, ate some fried meat and enjoyed the atmosphere. My friend asked if I wanted more and I said no. A extra bottle would have gotten me drunk!
I left him at the joint as I slowly, slowly found my way home. The walk back was more sedated as I was obviously under the influence of alcohol. Not much hassle.
When I got home, I decided there was no need to go to Shoprite and KFC. The joint was enough.
The time was around 7pm when I got home. By 8pm, I was asleep,. obviously influenced by the booze!
I left him at the joint as I slowly, slowly found my way home. The walk back was more sedated as I was obviously under the influence of alcohol. Not much hassle.
When I got home, I decided there was no need to go to Shoprite and KFC. The joint was enough.
The time was around 7pm when I got home. By 8pm, I was asleep,. obviously influenced by the booze!
Monday, October 10, 2016
Day 9 of My Exposure Therapy.
It's already 6:03 p.m and I am yet to leave the house for my long walk. Perhaps I should set a time for these walks rather than wait this late.
Perhaps I should set different hours each day of the week so I do not pigeon hole myself.
I am determined to do these walks and other forms of exposure because its the price I have to pay to get better.
I have to be focused because of a degeneration of my self-image recently due to harassments by some low lifes who tackle joy in putting others down.
Let me get ready to go and I'll feed you back about my progress. Please pray for me.
Let me say some affirmations to myself.
1. I am supremely confidence.
2. I look amazing
3. I am simply amazing
4. I have amazing and confidence eyes.
5. I am gorgeous and talented.
6. I am getting better and better
Good thing I went for the walk. I felt on top of the world after the walk. It was exhilarating.
When you face great fear head on, you come out stronger. It has left a positive feel on me. My psychologist was proud of me. It is advised that the best time to expose yourself is when you're having a panic attack. That's it is the fear of panic attacks is whjat grips. When you face the fear head on about 15 times, the fear disappears.
I am ready to take it on
I left for the mall around 8:20 pm and went into Shoprite. Was less intimidating than usual. Rather than go to Shoprite, I went to a more open eatery. To be honest, the mall was emptier than usual as it was near closing hours.
Well, today was a good day!
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Day 8 of Exposure Therapy
Today is day 8 of exposure therapy and I am about to commence the long walk. It's already p[ast 6 here and I just wait forever perhaps out of fear.
My anxiety is already rising but I learnt a lesson yesterday. My thoughts are actually worse than the walk itself. Anxiety is so deceptive. There is really nothing to fear. Nothing whatsoever.
So I'm off for my walk now. Later, I'll go to the mall.
Finished the walk and came back home. Today, was more tense than usual as I have been under some pressure lately which has made me quite paranoid. Been harassed by some worthless people. I am just trying to calm my nerves.
Around 8pm, I left home with my cousins friend to the shopping mall. Browsed shoprite quite a bit and left. Headed straight to KFC where we sat down for 15minutes.
My deepest challenge at KFC is making eye contact. I don't just want to look people in the eyes.Or if I do, its for a nanosecond and I bend my head down and stare at my phone.
I won't give up. I need to get better so and even be okay so I can start attending my Christian meetings regularly again.I owe that to my Creator and myself!
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