Appointment With My Psychologist

Woke up today around 6:30 after sleeping around 2a.m yesterday. Had an appointment with my shrink for 10am.

Went outside to pick my shirt on the laundry line which was partly damp because I washed it around 12 midnight. I iron dried it after spraying it with starch. Took a bath and prepared for the day.

As I was about to leave home around 8:30, my cousin who I work for informed me that I have a letter to prepare to a company. Informed him of my meeting with the shrink for 10 and that it will have to wait till I’m back.

Was about leaving and was unsure what route I’ll take.

The preferred route had policemen and their cars parked there early in the mornings and I always froze anytime I saw them. I just can’t explain. I now it was the anxiety.

The other route will involve me meeting with my Christian brothers at the bus stop who’ll be there preaching with a cart. I am a Witness.

I did not want to meet them as I had not been to meeting for over 5 months now which was basically unacceptable (Hebrews 10:24-25). They’d be worried and start asking questions why I haven’t been coming for meetings. Did not want to face this either.

I had stopped going to meetings because the bullying I was facing which was tragic beginnings was because of my anxiety was leaving me extremely paranoid and self-conscious.

I couldn’t even go to the police and report because that made me anxious as well and I don’t want them worrying that there’s something wrong with this fellow. Oh my, the bullies were having a field day and I felt humiliated, worthless and restless.

I chose to go through the route the policemen would be on.

I started walking up that route and did not feel an ounce of self-consciousness. All of a sudden, midway up the street, a feeling of self-consciousness swept through my body and the presence of a police car and some police men now dawned on me. I became extremely self-conscious and froze (Don’t know whether to call it a panic attack) but kept walking. I was to pass some young men who I know and my tense feelings left me feeling embarrassed as I kept wondering what the guys would be saying to themselves, “ why is he tense”, “what’s biting him”, “madman” and so on.

I got to the two I knew amongst them and started chatting with one. My primary reason for doing this was really to calm my nerves and look normal to people. Deep down, I knew my anxious behavior was irrational but couldn’t help it. Was worried how they’ll view me.

Left my friend and as I was going further got to a junction where I met a group of policemen. I knew subconsciously that a large number of cops were always around here and I froze again.

I hated these mini panic attacks and felt they embarrassed me. I was gripped with the thought that policemen would be wondering what’s up with the guy, whether I was alright. I didn’t want them to see me as weird. That thought kept going through my mind thinking an insult may be directed at me from them for my behavior. Am I not exaggerating things? My stomach is churning as I write this.

I worry too much about what people think about me. I also worry a bit too much about people’s feelings.

I arrived at the psychologist office for 10:08. He arrived like 6 minutes earlier having been stuck in traffic so both of us were late.

Normally my sessions are in the evenings for 6pm on Thursdays but he had requested we make it much earlier as he had a very pressing engagement for 6pm today.

We were to focus on my anger today. My anger was primarily caused by bullies who had been hurling insults and my loud noises to get on my nerves. This made me explode a number of times with unwanted consequences.

He first start by showing me a diagram of the brain. He said when angry, the sensations we feel first reach the emotional part of the brain before hitting the thinking part of it. That’s why we react most often without thinking when angry. Later, we regret.

He said the secret was to short circuit the process and let the thinking said act first. I now quoted Proverbs 19:11 where it says that “The insight of a man slows down his anger”.

The psychologist said if we always think of the result of our anger first, we would exercise great caution. He gave me an example.

He said while he was driving on a 2 lane road the other day, a stupid driver decided to leave his own lane which was held up in a traffic jam and come unto his which was free in other to beat the traffic snarl.. This was crazy as the daredevil was now facing oncoming traffic. His car was now facing that of the psychologist and eventually both cars met. The mad driver now barked at the psychologist to go back and even going as far as coming down from his car and banging on his demanding he move! This is Nigeria and impunity rules.

This pissed off my shrink to high heavens and he came down from his car. He said he would have used his experience when he was in the military and his black belt in martial arts to cut the man to size. His plan was to hit the man on the jugular which would have made him unconscious for a minute.

All of a sudden a lady called out his name. He was stunned and asked how she knew him. She replied that she had attended one of his seminars on emotional . Her presence immediately brought him to his senses and he let go of his urge to harm the man.

Now had he struck the crazy driver, his reputation would have been badly damaged, perhaps for good. He had allowed the emotional part of the brain to first gain control before the rational thinking part took over upon the appearance of the woman. It was a great lesson not only for him but for me as well.

If we think of the end result of our anger, won’t we always keep it in check?

He also said that there is a need to forgive. He said that forgiving someone is akin to releasing someone from prison and that person is you.

PS

This post was meant for Thursday 29th of October 2016 which was yesterday. I had problems connecting to the internet

PSS

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