Today is the 21st day of my exposure therapy.
What are the benefits and what have I gained.
I will update later today. Note: Not feeling good now!
Well, went for my walk, went to Shoprite and KFC.
Well, I feel more relaxed at Shoprite which means the exposure therapy has made me more socially confident. I also notice I am able to express myself naturally around people.
My biggest problem however is the bullying. It's really affecting me and I am fuelling it by replying these bullies. The hurtful words they hurl at me pains me greatly and it has to stop.
My psychologist said that what counts is not what people do to me but how I respond to it. I have to learn to ignore them.
The rational thing is to pound some sense into them. I can't do that because I am a Christian, a Jehovah's Witness. I mustn't even insult them back. I must show restraint under evil the bible commands.
My real challenge now is not so much my social anxiety but the paranoia I developed because of the bullying. I am going to overcome it!
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Day 20 of Exposure Therapy
I'm late again and did not report my activities of yesterday.
The only thing I did not do was my long walk. Did not have the opportunity to do it.
Went to Shoprite and KFC.
The only thing I did not do was my long walk. Did not have the opportunity to do it.
Went to Shoprite and KFC.
Thursday, October 20, 2016
Day 19 of My Exposure Therapy
I did my long walk rather early today. I was to go into town to do a few things and I decided to use that opportunity to do the walk and from there take a bus.
The walk was cool even though towards the end of the walk I started to feel a bit anxious. It was actually a hospital along the route that made me self conscious as I felt the other day, someone had been watching me from the balcony. Me and my self-conscious paranoia.
On my way back, I deliberately chose to take that route back home so I walked it twice. Perhaps I should do it as many as four times a day but that may be too much. I need to mix the walk with much socialising.
I left for the psychologist appointment around 3:30pm. Traffic snarls can be a nightmare in downtown Lagos during closing hours from 5pm.
Anyway, another reason why I chose to move early was so as to do my daily exposure at Shoprite. I got to Shoprite and chose to buy a cream cake. Unfortunately for me, the queue was not only long at the bakery stand, there was no opne to attend to me which I found irritating. Don't they know how important I am?
I left Shoprite and met a Christian friend in the mall who mwas quite pleased to see me. He is around half my age but spiritually minded. I told him I was undergoing some problems and I was receiving treatment for it and that once I am okay, I'll be back in the congregation. He said he was looking forward to having me around.
I noticed throughout today, I have been quite tense and with poor self esteem. I know it's the bullying. I feel I am on edge. Also, I took amino acid and magnesium which I was told are effective against anxiety. I felt marginally better but the meds gave me a serious headache. They are not for me!
Met with my psychologist for 6pm. Today was our last session for the 12 weeks foundation treatment. Henceforth, I'll be seeing him once a month.
I told him there has been improvements but my primary problem is the lingering effect of the bullying. That is has taken a big toll on me especially my self esteem.
He instructed me to list 10 things I value about myself and I stopped at five. He now added three more on my behalf like I was a good commuicator, a good command of English and I have a urge for knowledge.
He said that the n umber I write is indicative of one's level of self esteem. That some may not write more than three. That the five I wrote showed I was just about average. That if he was to be given the same assignment, he could write as many as 25!
He said that at the last session, we dwelt on meditation, affirmation and questioning. He said I must apply all three ammos in collapsing the negative beliefs that are in my subconsiousness.
This I plan to do, and do it raised to the power 10. I also need to pray more and draw close to God. As a Jehovah's Witness, this is non-negotiable and have been negligent in that for 6 months now ever since the bullying made me so discouraged and paranoid that I stopped attending Christain meetings. I am going back and that's sacrosanct.
I left the psychologist pretty early today and even got home before 9pm.
Almost from his office, I started applying questioning. I need to totally undo all the effects of the bullying as soon as possible.
I did not go to KFC today as always. I thought I would be able to make it but was unsuccessful. Anyway, tomorrow's another day. See you guys.
The walk was cool even though towards the end of the walk I started to feel a bit anxious. It was actually a hospital along the route that made me self conscious as I felt the other day, someone had been watching me from the balcony. Me and my self-conscious paranoia.
On my way back, I deliberately chose to take that route back home so I walked it twice. Perhaps I should do it as many as four times a day but that may be too much. I need to mix the walk with much socialising.
I left for the psychologist appointment around 3:30pm. Traffic snarls can be a nightmare in downtown Lagos during closing hours from 5pm.
Anyway, another reason why I chose to move early was so as to do my daily exposure at Shoprite. I got to Shoprite and chose to buy a cream cake. Unfortunately for me, the queue was not only long at the bakery stand, there was no opne to attend to me which I found irritating. Don't they know how important I am?
I left Shoprite and met a Christian friend in the mall who mwas quite pleased to see me. He is around half my age but spiritually minded. I told him I was undergoing some problems and I was receiving treatment for it and that once I am okay, I'll be back in the congregation. He said he was looking forward to having me around.
I noticed throughout today, I have been quite tense and with poor self esteem. I know it's the bullying. I feel I am on edge. Also, I took amino acid and magnesium which I was told are effective against anxiety. I felt marginally better but the meds gave me a serious headache. They are not for me!
Met with my psychologist for 6pm. Today was our last session for the 12 weeks foundation treatment. Henceforth, I'll be seeing him once a month.
I told him there has been improvements but my primary problem is the lingering effect of the bullying. That is has taken a big toll on me especially my self esteem.
He instructed me to list 10 things I value about myself and I stopped at five. He now added three more on my behalf like I was a good commuicator, a good command of English and I have a urge for knowledge.
He said that the n umber I write is indicative of one's level of self esteem. That some may not write more than three. That the five I wrote showed I was just about average. That if he was to be given the same assignment, he could write as many as 25!
He said that at the last session, we dwelt on meditation, affirmation and questioning. He said I must apply all three ammos in collapsing the negative beliefs that are in my subconsiousness.
This I plan to do, and do it raised to the power 10. I also need to pray more and draw close to God. As a Jehovah's Witness, this is non-negotiable and have been negligent in that for 6 months now ever since the bullying made me so discouraged and paranoid that I stopped attending Christain meetings. I am going back and that's sacrosanct.
I left the psychologist pretty early today and even got home before 9pm.
Almost from his office, I started applying questioning. I need to totally undo all the effects of the bullying as soon as possible.
I did not go to KFC today as always. I thought I would be able to make it but was unsuccessful. Anyway, tomorrow's another day. See you guys.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Day 18 of My Exposure Therapy
Could barely sleep during the night. Was eagerly expecting my brother who stayed in England to land in Lagos for 5:30 am. I probably slept for about an hour.
We hired a cab who took us to the airposrt. We got there around 7am because the cab came late. Hugged my brother and tried changing some pound sterling to naira with the money changer but had to forgo when it dawned on us they were trying to dupe us.
My brother first came home to pee and from there set out for my hometown which is about 3 hours 30 minutes away if the road is free.
I noticed I was quite anxious initially and even had eye contact problems which I felt both ashamed and embarrassed about. I was however determined to fight it.
I sat at the back with him throughout the journey so I could overcome my anxieties. This seemed to work as by the time we got to my hometown, I was quite relaxed.
We greeted our parents. My stepmum was busy preparing food for us but she was also around to welcome us.
I am from a polygamous home. My dad has three wives and my mum's the first. My father initially had no intention of being polygamous but his mistresses became pregnant for him, he chose to marry them rather than seek an abortion.
I noticed I was a bit relaxed but also noticed I was also hypervigilant which I think was residual effect of the bullying. Anyway, I'm sure I am making progress.
We left my hometown around 4pm and got to Lagos around 8:45.
Of course, I had to cancel my exposure therapies for the day. Anyway, the trip and trying to mingle freely with people partially compensated.
Tomorrow is my psychologist's apppointment. I have already informed him I'll be around. Will keep you guys posted. Have a great day!
We hired a cab who took us to the airposrt. We got there around 7am because the cab came late. Hugged my brother and tried changing some pound sterling to naira with the money changer but had to forgo when it dawned on us they were trying to dupe us.
My brother first came home to pee and from there set out for my hometown which is about 3 hours 30 minutes away if the road is free.
I noticed I was quite anxious initially and even had eye contact problems which I felt both ashamed and embarrassed about. I was however determined to fight it.
I sat at the back with him throughout the journey so I could overcome my anxieties. This seemed to work as by the time we got to my hometown, I was quite relaxed.
We greeted our parents. My stepmum was busy preparing food for us but she was also around to welcome us.
I am from a polygamous home. My dad has three wives and my mum's the first. My father initially had no intention of being polygamous but his mistresses became pregnant for him, he chose to marry them rather than seek an abortion.
I noticed I was a bit relaxed but also noticed I was also hypervigilant which I think was residual effect of the bullying. Anyway, I'm sure I am making progress.
We left my hometown around 4pm and got to Lagos around 8:45.
Of course, I had to cancel my exposure therapies for the day. Anyway, the trip and trying to mingle freely with people partially compensated.
Tomorrow is my psychologist's apppointment. I have already informed him I'll be around. Will keep you guys posted. Have a great day!
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
Monday, October 17, 2016
Day 16 of My Exposure Therapy
I notice something remarkable today. It's as though I am gradually beginning not to dread going back to places I suffered a panic attack. This is a milestone.
For anyone with an anxiety disorder, this is the primary reason for avoidance. Avoidance and anxiety can not be divorced.
I saw a neighbour today outside who practices estate agency on the side and he introduced a 2 bedroom flat to me to market.
What I found intriguing was that I was quite confident talking to him even though I was outside. I am getting better and better. I must not give up.
I went for the long walk.around 6pm. I met a friend and an estate colleague in the early part of the walk. I am getting better talking in public even though the recent harassment has put me on edge. I am still a bit self conscious
I walked down the street and I walked back to my home which I found a bit stressful. By the time I got home, I felt there was almost no need going for to the mall and KFC..
However, I had a short nap of about 10 minutes and this refreshed me. I immediately got up and went to the mall. I first went to a telecoms company to get my line back. I observed there were loads of people waiting. I was told by the security guard that there were even people seated outside waiting for their turn. I thought I could be patient but felt it's best I come back the next day.
Left the shop and head straight for Shoprite. Decided today to buy something which were noodles. Spent about 10 minutes there at Shoprite.
From there, went to KFC which was almost empty. I initially sat down backing the diners but later took a seat facing people. I noticed I wasn't so self-conscious. I had my head down all the time looking at my phone. I need to raise my head up and explore the surroundings. Anyway, I have improved massively from where I started from.
Left Shoprite and headed home where I prepared some sumptuous noodles and ate it with 2 boiled eggs.
For anyone with an anxiety disorder, this is the primary reason for avoidance. Avoidance and anxiety can not be divorced.
I saw a neighbour today outside who practices estate agency on the side and he introduced a 2 bedroom flat to me to market.
What I found intriguing was that I was quite confident talking to him even though I was outside. I am getting better and better. I must not give up.
I went for the long walk.around 6pm. I met a friend and an estate colleague in the early part of the walk. I am getting better talking in public even though the recent harassment has put me on edge. I am still a bit self conscious
I walked down the street and I walked back to my home which I found a bit stressful. By the time I got home, I felt there was almost no need going for to the mall and KFC..
However, I had a short nap of about 10 minutes and this refreshed me. I immediately got up and went to the mall. I first went to a telecoms company to get my line back. I observed there were loads of people waiting. I was told by the security guard that there were even people seated outside waiting for their turn. I thought I could be patient but felt it's best I come back the next day.
Left the shop and head straight for Shoprite. Decided today to buy something which were noodles. Spent about 10 minutes there at Shoprite.
From there, went to KFC which was almost empty. I initially sat down backing the diners but later took a seat facing people. I noticed I wasn't so self-conscious. I had my head down all the time looking at my phone. I need to raise my head up and explore the surroundings. Anyway, I have improved massively from where I started from.
Left Shoprite and headed home where I prepared some sumptuous noodles and ate it with 2 boiled eggs.
Day 15 of My Exposure Therapy
I have to apologies that I have not been updating as frequently as I should. I have missed about 2 days now. Well, better late than never. I believe all will benefit from my updates.
I will post for Day 15 now.
Today, the neighborhood guy and went drinking with nicked my tablet. I was livid and called the cops to pick him. He denied it but I know he is the only one capable of doing such. The stress of getting my line back and the money for a new phone are too much for me now. Anyway, I've emptied my bare bank account in order to get any phone that does whatsapp no matter how cheap.
A close friend came around 10:30 and we went to the mall together. We went to Shoprite where he got a few things for himself and bought me a cake. I enjoyed the cake.
I saw him off taking the long route of my exposure therapy. My therapy for the day is three quarters done.
I am being bullied unrelentingly and it has put me on edge. It is sabotaging my treatment. It's just cruel, crude and annoying. They are just a bunch of useless people that are best ignored. Stigmatizing me won't make you a dime. It just shows how worthless your life is. I have to rise above them.
Only problem is that stigmatising is humiliating and it makes me want to crawl in to the ground. I feel all eyes are on me and makes me self conscious. Also, words are powerful and can mould a person's perception of his or herself.
One thing I must do to counter it is to put myself out there more. Rather than become reclusive, I must put myself out there more to counteract an y negative thinking that may develop.
Also, I don't think the treatment is working relating to the aspect of trauma. I need to remove the trauma caused by the bullying over the years from my system. That's the primary reason I started the treatment.
I have to be honest, there might have been some improvements but it's not as deep as I want. I will have to be brutally frank with him the next time we meet.
Also. I notice a stress on theright side of my head. I know it represents something. I know it's psychosomatic. If it goes, I believe the trauma will go.
Anyway, my arresting the thief and taking him to the police station completed the exposure therapy today. No need going to KFC.
I was quite nervous at the station but I notice my eye contact problem might be easing gradually but I should be patient. It's the bullying that puts me on edge.
I noticed little improvements in some areas. I am more confident around people but tend to be my own worst critic always assessing myself based on the stigmatising words hurled at me.
I will post for Day 15 now.
Today, the neighborhood guy and went drinking with nicked my tablet. I was livid and called the cops to pick him. He denied it but I know he is the only one capable of doing such. The stress of getting my line back and the money for a new phone are too much for me now. Anyway, I've emptied my bare bank account in order to get any phone that does whatsapp no matter how cheap.
A close friend came around 10:30 and we went to the mall together. We went to Shoprite where he got a few things for himself and bought me a cake. I enjoyed the cake.
I saw him off taking the long route of my exposure therapy. My therapy for the day is three quarters done.
I am being bullied unrelentingly and it has put me on edge. It is sabotaging my treatment. It's just cruel, crude and annoying. They are just a bunch of useless people that are best ignored. Stigmatizing me won't make you a dime. It just shows how worthless your life is. I have to rise above them.
Only problem is that stigmatising is humiliating and it makes me want to crawl in to the ground. I feel all eyes are on me and makes me self conscious. Also, words are powerful and can mould a person's perception of his or herself.
One thing I must do to counter it is to put myself out there more. Rather than become reclusive, I must put myself out there more to counteract an y negative thinking that may develop.
Also, I don't think the treatment is working relating to the aspect of trauma. I need to remove the trauma caused by the bullying over the years from my system. That's the primary reason I started the treatment.
I have to be honest, there might have been some improvements but it's not as deep as I want. I will have to be brutally frank with him the next time we meet.
Also. I notice a stress on theright side of my head. I know it represents something. I know it's psychosomatic. If it goes, I believe the trauma will go.
Anyway, my arresting the thief and taking him to the police station completed the exposure therapy today. No need going to KFC.
I was quite nervous at the station but I notice my eye contact problem might be easing gradually but I should be patient. It's the bullying that puts me on edge.
I noticed little improvements in some areas. I am more confident around people but tend to be my own worst critic always assessing myself based on the stigmatising words hurled at me.
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